Within the last nine years, my life has changed dramatically. I never would have wished for the life that I have now, frankly, I didn’t know it was an option. I didn’t know sharing my thoughts and feelings would bring me so much peace, easing a ceaseless thrum within me. The contentment I get from a cup of tea and dark chocolate is a much more sustainable pleasure than the rush of past behaviours.
Of those nine years, it took me over three to learn to act like a normal human being consistently. Creating healthy patterns in my life, building on existing relationships and stepping far outside of my comfort zone to create new friendships as an adult. A terrifying procedure but a necessary one for a fulfilling mature life. Not that I’ve actually gained maturity with age, only an abundance of hair loss and sore ankles.
Through this period of change, a conscious slowing down, I’ve become very sensitive to times of change throughout my life. I can sense when things are beginning to shift. My ears perk up, the spidey senses tingle and I’ll take pause to assess my current surroundings. I try to see what is taking shape on the horizon, who around me right now is giving me the time and space to come into my own. I lean in, find those that are grounded and eagerly willing to support me, as if they have been waiting for me. Waiting for me to catch up, to reach new ground invisible to myself and my narrow lens of perception.
It’s a time to listen and be open. To be open to surprises and to not think I know which direction I’m going to grow. That’s a fool's game. To think I know what lies over the horizon, to prepare for the unknown, I’ve had the gall in the past and it hasn’t served me well. All will be revealed when the universe is good and ready. Yet, to receive this I must be ready myself.
It’s interesting, as both my girlfriend and I are going through periods of change. She is actively pursuing a change of career and is doing her masters while running a business she plans to leave in 15 months. My shift I feel is much more abstract. More related to a mindset, believing in myself more, and being more open and vulnerable with what I share on this platform. I feel more of a desire to be involved with things I’m passionate about, art, fashion, writing and adventures.
As my change is less tangible, more subtle, I can watch her and the reactions of the folks around her. Some people have sorrow and feel the need to apologize that there is a change underway. Others take it personally and are upset that she would want to change her life to be more fulfilled. Others are impressed, and some don’t think the school she is attending is impressive enough. Academic fetishists, a bizarre folk to say the least.
We live in a vibrant society, we no longer live a life where we have to have one career for forty years after attending the most prized schools available to us. We can take online courses, work jobs that pay the bills to afford us time to pursue our passions. You can show your booty on Onlyfans and make a damn good living; if there was a market for people who wanted to watch hefty bald dudes tying flies in their underwear I would be leading that genre.
Until then, I’ll keep swinging a hammer and rambling on here, satisfied with the comments and conversations that I have with the baker's dozen of my loyal followers!
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