I find May an extremely hard time to get things done, as a goal oriented person I struggle with this. The NBA playoffs are getting interesting, the weather, especially in Victoria right now is incredibly nice and the last thing I want to be doing is sitting inside. But, I’m drawn to my keyboard, drawn to my journal which thankfully I can take with me. I pack a bag with my three journals, one for ideas, one to flesh out the ideas and one as a cheap version of therapy, my camera and a book. I’ll get to a beach, a coffee shop, or someplace quiet and hope inspiration comes. Sometimes it arrives in floods, sometimes; well sometimes not so much.
I’m in the process of putting together a collection of short stories, prose and some photos, a journal in its own right I suppose, that I’ll have available this summer and look forward to the opportunity to share it. It’s been a challenge learning the layout program and writing, and keeping up with the Miami Heat while having an eye on whether Steph or Lebron will make it to the conference finals. As of writing this, Lebron and the Lakers take the step into the next round.
Much to my disappointment, I don’t think any of you are here for my basketball analysis so I’ll leave it at that.
Between ball games, work, gym, and spending time with my girlfriend, I’m trying to break the narrative I hold for myself. I assure you the confidence and surefootedness have been a disguise. At just over five years sober I feel as though I’m finally getting to know myself, to love myself. I’ve come to realize that I’ve been drastically short on self-love for a long time. Getting sober was the first step in not hating myself, then was a long period of existence. Eating, breathing, sleeping, waking; a boring glory (hey now!) of existence.
I could show up and be depended on by others, but there was no sense of self. The great existential question of “Who am I?” or even more terrifying “Why am I?” I’ve learnt, not mastered by any means, that showing up for myself is what counts. Whether it’s making sure I feel good in the clothes that I wear, I prioritize both my physical and mental fitness or most importantly keeping promises to myself; these are the things that keep the wheels on the bus.
It’s too easy to put others before my own needs, we get praise when we’re selfless. Likes, IRL! It degrades and steals from our soul, I feel uncomfortable and unfulfilled when neglecting my own needs but I think a lot of us are drawn to the devil we know, people pleasing.
I create lists, I need tasks and I try to step outside my comfort zone. Without ticking off the boxes I feel stagnant, I can happily laze in my hammock and read but there better be something to show at the end of the day or my self-worth starts to decline. I’m not sure where that comes from, I’m sure it’s something do to with sobriety and the years wasted stuffing junk up my nose; a sense of being left behind or guilt over wasted time. I understand this to be ludacris as I’m right where I need to be. The sun is up, I’m fully caffeinated and I have a days worth of boxes to tick.
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