The thrumb of countless stones pulsating and pushing against the crescent coast. Gently softening their gagged profiles, smooth and subtle against eternities' relentless devouring of time and that which we see as permanent.
The idea of permanence, our existence, is with me often these days. I waver back and forth between ideas of the self and ideas of experience. I find myself constantly returning to the self, an egotistical endeavour. I want to plant a flag in an attempt to show who I am, to say “This is ME” and to do that, I feel as if I have to be more. Be more me, somehow. It’s not enough that I get to express myself through various creative pursuits, I need to write more, I need to shoot more photographs, I need to build more motorcycles. I don’t give myself the opportunity to enjoy the fact that I am, indeed, living my best life. I need to be extra, a writer-er, a photographer-er, whatever I may be, slap that extra “er” on the end because I’m going all in.
Never mind the current projects I’m engaged in, the next one is the one to satiate me.
I’m too busy working on figuring out what will fill my cup for the rest of my life to enjoy that my cup is being filled daily. I have wonderful friends, new and old with whom I share my frivolities and frailties. Creative pursuits, that allow me to get vulnerable and show my missteps and mistakes in an effort to grow as a person. Some are hits, others, misses never to be explored again. I cherish the impermanence of these things when I give myself time to reflect. There are many pursuits, thoughts and dreams of my past that I’m glad I’ve let go.
While seeking permanence in my enjoyment of life, it’s the impermanence that is beautiful. We can move on. From relationships, behaviours or ambitions, growth is allowed. But where is the line between growth, ambition and an incessant drive to be?
I suppose it’s the feeling of being that I struggle with. A sense of belonging, misplaced somewhere along the way. It’s much easier for me to be doing, a human doing as opposed to a human being. It allows me to put on the blinders and not focus on my internal self. This is counterproductive, as whatever I may do, will one day surely be dismantled; yet my being, my experiences, my having been here(!) will remain long after I transcend this physical body.
I feel a fool, looking for a permanent solution for a temporary existence.
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