I find myself, yet again, in a place of tremendous self-doubt. For no particular reason outside of general existential dread. An un-nameable looming, bordering on despair, perhaps even a whiff of guilt. A subtle Je ne c’est quoi to the bouquet of my anxiety. The subtleties come with much larger worries, ones that I don’t tie to general anxiety at all. Issues one would think cause anxiety yet after reflecting on my behavioural patterns I realize, it’s all one and the same. I’ve spoken before on my desire to carry out a scorched earth policy on my life; burn it down, salt the land, leave no survivors, that kind of thing. And recently I’ve felt the urge to reach for my matches.
I’m not exactly sure what causes this rise of sensation (anxiety is not an emotion, it’s a sensation, right?). I believe it stems from a desire to feel utterly fulfilled. A sensation I was never able to soothe from within, I would look outside myself for those feelings of gratification. Some folks shop, some use sex, drugs, gambling or video games to gain a sense of fulfillment or validation. To add an extra layer of complexity sometimes the validation comes from the trainwreck we reap upon ourselves by indulging in these activities. Good grief, what a complex existence we create for ourselves!
For all the drum beating and flag-waving, I do on behalf of mental wellness, I am no expert. Just a guy going through it with a clear enough head to be able to speak about the feelings that arise within me. When asked by friends for advice, for which I am truly humbled, I never have an answer only anecdotes of my own experience. I go to the gym when my body lets me, I meditate and do yoga daily, I journal and take my vitamins. Hell, I even floss my fucking teeth! And it’s not always enough. Sometimes things just ain’t right. And that’s ok.
While walking along the beach today my girlfriend could sense something was amiss, I’m sure I don’t hide it well. She asked if I was alright, I replied that I was at about a medium or something to that effect. Her reaction was so warm and welcome, the perfect words “OK”. Nothing more. No offer to fix it, no solutions, no questions. A simple acknowledgement, a squeeze of the hand and back in the truck. Thank you, I needed that.
I needed to sit with it, to feel the uncomfortableness of insecurity. To question myself and be with the hollow void that used to be my mind, an echo chamber of doubt. I got to the gym for a light workout, to move some blood around and jumped on the Harley out to East Sooke. For the uninitiated and those who are unaware; motorcycles are meditation. The warm air of spring carrying the scent of blooming lilacs while leaning through twisting green hills is quite possibly the most positive single-minded experience one can have. Riding past pastures of sheep atop rolling seaside hills, moss-covered crags disappear in my mirror as I pull the throttle climbing into the Sooke hills. Serenity now, bliss.
I’ve come to realize these uncomfortable feelings come up when I’m sitting on untapped potential . When I’ve coasted along in the same pattern too long and am not making the effort to take the next step and challenge myself. I question every aspect of my life as if the whole ordeal is wrong when truly my sanity is teetering on one step I’m not willing to take. An un-zagged zig waiting to be complete. The only thing now is finding the fortitude to take that ever necessary step.
Love this!