Well friends, we’ve made it. The days are growing longer, there is a hint of coconut in the air 2km out from every beach in the city and the forests are ablaze! Summer, though a few days shy of the equinox, is upon us.
I’ve decided to take the summer off to work on my writing, shoot photos and rebuild an old motorcycle. Sounds idyllic I know, and yet I still struggle to realize that I am truly living the dream. I need to be writing more, shooting better photos, monetizing my blog and becoming a “6 figure creative, blogger, meditator, whateverthefuck”. But why? Haven’t I come far enough? Can I not just enjoy my summer before school starts in September? Well, I’m working on it.
Amongst all the buffoonery I fill my days with I’m trying to make a point of connecting more intentionally with people. I’m naturally an introvert and enjoy my time alone, without needing to go to a place of employment I could quite easily pass the whole summer in my room with a couple of excursions to the skatepark. Making friends as an adult is rare and shocking when it happens. Men, especially seem to have a more difficult time making those connections. Anything outside of bragging, talking shit and making jokes seems to be far from the realm of comfortability with most of us. To quote a friend of mine, we are stuck on the default setting.
We have been wired to not share our feelings and to “stop asking so many questions”. This, in turn, can come off as a lack of interest in others or self-centeredness, sometimes it is. Those people are out there. I can remember being in pubs at an age too young to be there, unaware of how to converse with my older friends who so easily were deep in conversations. I was amazed at how fluidly they would talk about anything that came to mind. I would power drink pitcher after pitcher to hide my anxiety and keep my hands and mouth busy. When brought into conversations I would have out-of-body experiences as if I was watching myself speak. Words would come out and I’d be shocked, completely unaware of what would follow and what I was saying. Silence was easier.
It wasn’t a lack of interest in others but my lack of confidence in myself that kept me from making those connections and learning to nurture relationships. I was so terrified of others I would build the most robust walls and wear multiple masks as a form of protection. Hiding behind false pride and bravado.
I have since been humbled and have come to know myself. I take great pleasure in the relationships I have and watching my friends create and expand. I’m more curious about others and even more curious about my future. Even accepting that I may have a future is still novel to me.
Some folks get there quickly or in time given space. Others, like me, need trauma and hours of counselling to learn to connect with ourselves so that we can connect with others. It took me far too long to understand that getting interested in other people was a quicker way to make friends than forcing others to get interested in me.
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